


Comprehensive Sexual Education Classes are Necessary for our School System

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, no actual dingling, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 18:00:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2119452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>whoever tells you that kageyama and hinata would be great at the entire sex is definitely selling you something</p>
            </blockquote>





	Comprehensive Sexual Education Classes are Necessary for our School System

Their sex life mostly consisted of speedy three-minute sessions of desperate grinding through their school uniforms during any spare time they could get whenever Kageyama’s parents were out of the house, but there were those terrible times when one of them or the other would get curious of whether the world (and the human body) had more to offer.

 

“You know…” Hinata glanced around for a moment, checking their surroundings as they walked away from the school after practice. Then he raised a hand up to his mouth and harshed his voice conspiratorially, without actually lowering how loud he was talking. “... the butt! You gotta put it in the _butt_.”

Kageyama scoffed, piercing his straw through the top of his juicebox. “No way. That wouldn’t even fit! I’m not _stupid_ , Hinata.”

“Kageyama, I’m serious, I _read_ it! I read it on the internet! _Everyone_ does it. But you have to like…. stick a finger in there, and jiggle it around first!”

Kageyama spit out his current sip of juice (“ _Ew,_ ” Hinata said, wrinkling his nose) and then stared at Hinata blankly with juice dribbling down his face, processing that thought for a moment. _Jiggle it… around?_

“... How does that even help?!”

“I dunno but it just _does!_ ” Hinata threw his hands up in exasperation, huffing out a petulant noise. “I didn’t know I was talking to Kageyama Tobio, the sex guru! The master of penises! Knows _way_ more than the _entire internet!_ “

The master of penises gave a stubborn scowl, shifting his eyes away as he finally wiped the juice away with a sleeve. “... I never said that.”

Hinata paused, appraising Kageyama with wide, blank eyes for a moment. Kageyama _hated_ it when he did that. It made him feel like he was dating a hungry housecat, and he was pretty sure that wasn’t what human boyfriends were supposed to feel like.

So that was _definitely_ why he felt much better when Hinata’s entire face beamed brightly after a few seconds, and not because he liked Hinata’s smile that much or anything like that. He grimaced at himself. (Weird. Feelings were weird.)

“Hey! Hey, does that mean you wanna try?” Hinata was practically bouncing as he was walking now. “Because I kind of wanna try! I mean, I don’t really get it either, and it sounds kinda gross... but apparently there’s this _button_ up in your butt! And if you get the button, you win!”

“ _Hah?_ ” Kageyama tilted his head. All things considered, he did like _winning_ , so now his interest was piqued. “Win what?”

“Win at _sex,_ duh!” Hinata’s grin only grew more smug as he puffed out his chest, obviously feeding his own ego about how he was beating his rival at something, even if that _something_ right now was butt knowledge. “Pushing it makes you feels good. So whoever gets the button first wins. Because you wanna feel good, you know? It’s like magic, you know!”

Kageyama gave an affirmative sort of grunt as he sipped more at his juice, contemplating this newfound knowledge. Well, even if he didn’t want to admit it, it wasn’t as if _he_ knew anything about what was going on down there… like, sex-wise. So... maybe Hinata was right. After all, Kageyama had no idea there was something so mystical hidden in a _butt_ of all places until just now. The human body was pretty amazing.

“... my mom won’t be back until late,” he mentioned offhandedly, glancing to his side at Hinata to gauge his reaction.

And as that phrase usually elicited, Hinata sprung high into the air with a loud whoop and the expression of a man that just won a million dollars.

“Great!! Just you see, Kageyama, I’m gonna find that button before you do! And then we’re going to put the penis in, and it’s gonna be _awesome._ ”

Even as the blatant provocation made his eyebrow twitch in irritation, Kageyama felt a grin spread across his own face.

“Don’t go deciding the winner before we even start!”

But Hinata was already leaping and bounding ahead out of sheer excitement, hollering as he went, which obviously meant that Kageyama had start chasing him down, because there was no way that asshole was going to beat him to his _own fucking house_.

 

Everyone on the team noticed something odd the next day, when Hinata wasn’t spiking the way he usually was and Kageyama was grimacing with every single jump serve he attempted.

When they finally took a break for water, Daichi approached them with his arms crossed and an exasperated look on his face.

“You two… I appreciate your enthusiasm, but you should really take it easy once in a while. We can’t have you guys risking any lasting damage, you know.”

Hinata bristled defensively, and he immediately pointed an accusing finger at Kageyama’s direction.

“Hey! It’s not _my_ fault, Kageyama put it in my butt and he did it all wrong!”

Daichi froze. His face grew stiff as the words hit him. What? He… was just thinking they were sore from practicing too hard. _What?_ Oh my god. Oh my _god._

“ _What?!_ ” Kageyama pegged a towel at Hinata with shocking force, which Hinata dodged without a moment’s hesitation. “It was your stupid idea in the first place! You shit! _Dumbass!_ ”

“Huh?! You just weren’t doing it right! You have to find the button _first_ , then put the penis in! I _told_ you that!”

“But we _tried_ that when _you_ did it! This stuff probably isn’t even true! Where are your fucking sources for this?!”

Their loud shouting had attracted the attention of the rest of the team by this point, and the reactions were varying from screaming like the world was ending, to tightly covering their ears in denial, to Suga simply covering his gaping mouth in sheer horror.

“Oh, I’ll _show_ you a source!” With a stomp of his foot, Hinata grabbed the hem of Kageyama’s shirt and started dragging him in the direction of the locker room with pure and utter determination in his stride. “We’re gonna find your button, right now! I’m gonna do it right this time, and _then_ you’ll see!”

“ _Fine!_ ”

 

Daichi, who had a dead man’s gaze and a hardened expression, clasped a hand on Suga’s shoulder.

“Suga… please. Tell them―”

“Got it,” Suga said with nothing but steel in his voice, already speedwalking fast in pursuit.


End file.
